Love & Relationships

It’s not prostitution (supposedly), and it’s not a relationship but it is all that remains in-between. GFE and BFE stand for Girlfriend/Boyfriend Experience. If you are on a time-out from relationships but still long for intimacy, you can purchase perceived intimacy known as the Girl-Friend Experience or Boy-Friend Experience. So what exactly is this?

The experience involves spending time, typically on a date, with the male or female companion as if you were a couple. The fee for services is usually pre-determined and paid upfront before the experience begins. How does this differ from prostitution? Unlike a “John” situation where it’s Wham, Bam Thank You Ma’am, the GFE/BFE entails holding hands, kissing hugging, cuddling, and being really mushy. In addition, sex (oral or intercourse) can be negotiated in which after it’s over, you get to bath in each others arms (for a fee). The night ends with the distorted perception you have spent time with someone who cares about your well being.

Is this revolutionary or just another way to spin the wheel and make it seem not so, well…dirty? Unlike an escort who may be paid to attend a sophisticated event and be a good arm trophy, the GFE/BFE is just a typical date anywhere the John..oops, I meant Client, would like to go. WTF! If I had to guess I would imagine the client profile to be white male, middle aged, with Serial Killer tendencies.

Maybe I’m a little envious because someone thought of it before me. I would be willing to give the REAL GFE for free. Here it is;

When you pick me up, I complain because you are almost an hour late and the baby sitter has been on the clock. While riding in the car I change your radio station to what I want to hear then hop on my cell phone and tell my BFF about the new Usher song I’m listening too. Once we get to the restaurant, my BFF is already there with another mutual friend (I forgot to tell you they were coming). We all sit at the table and order drinks. As me and my girlfriends chat it up, you feel left out because you are not part of our conversation. While we sail through dinner (me and my girlfriends) laughing and ordering more drinks, you secretly become thankful there are big screen televisions to watch, then you wonder why you came on this date in the first place. The bill arrives and I, your GFE escort, slide it over to you without a minuscule of curiosity of the cost. We leave and bid my girlfriends good-bye. I, being the GFE, know you are hopeful that at least the night will end with sex BUT keeping it GFE REAL, I get out the car, tell you I had a good time, then trot my ass in the house bidding you farewell. That, good people, is the REAL GFE.

Now it’s your turn to tell me what you think, I’m listening,.Holla at ya Gyrl !

This time I’m asking the question; Is significant Weight Gain in a Relationship a Deal Breaker? I ask because I have a friend whose wife has gained over 100 pounds throughout their relationship and he no longer finds her attractive. He takes her out in public only when he has to and admitted her weight is embarrassing. He explained to me that he loves his wife and has tried everything under the sun to motivate her to lose weight, including offering to exercise with her. Now, merely mentioning her weight has caused so much tension between them he just stopped trying to help all together.

If you know you are tipping the scale between fat and obese, today is your day to change. I’m a woman so I understand and you know I got your back, but gyrlfriend it’s time to stop talking about it and start being about it. Quit blaming your fat on your kids! They teenagers now and you are still carrying those extra rolls on your back and stomach. If you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, chances are your man doesn’t either. But you want to nail him to the cross for not being more supportive.

Gaining a considerable amount of weight may not be a total deal breaker, but it is a deal breaker. You can’t give up on you, let your self go, then expect Him to have that same desire for you simply because you had his kids and carry his last name. Men are visual creatures! HIS INITIAL ATTRACTION TO YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR MIND. He was attracted to your physical attributes. There is a conveyed confidence when a Woman knows she got it together. Her stride has pep, her language is poised, her head is high and her shoulders are back. When you feel like you got it going on, that attitude manifests in the bedroom. Big Daddy can’t get enough of you because your total package represents strength and beauty.

Forward….. 100 or so pounds later, the confidence is gone because you know that you gave up on you. The bedroom is now cold and sex is attached with contractual agreements;

- The lights have to be off
- You can’t do it in certain positions
- You don’t want him looking at your naked
- You don’t want him touching your stomach
- You don’t feel sexy in lingerie, no more

How long is he supposed to wait before he can have his wife back? Take control of your life and your weight and get back to being your fly self.

I asked the question, now it’s up to you to Holla at ya Gyrl !

Godspeed ~ Latoya

This is one of those topics that we hate to discuss because for some of us it brings a reality that we have “mis” positioned ourselves in our relationship. Some of us have knowingly “mis” positioned ourselves and others, unknowing. It is so important to know and understand your relationship position because “mis” positioning, gives you a contorted perception that you are actually IN a relationship. By the time you finish reading this article you will be clear (whether you are ready for it not), where you stand.

In a man’s life (I’m talking about single men, but unfortunately this applies to some married men too!) women fall into different categories;
- The Woman (main girl or wife)
- Side Bitch
- Boo
- Booty Call
- Childhood Friend

Now, here is the breakdown:

The Woman- This category involves 2 sub components that you may fall in.
A. Wife = you have already walked down the isle and said “I do” amongst your closest family and friends. The deal has been legally sealed with a Minister or a Courthouse Judge and you have a ring on your left Index finger. This is the Ultimate because unlike the other categories, the Wife has legal ownership to his assets. She is named as “Beneficiary” on all his legal documents. The Wife is part owner or sole owner of his property. She is the one acclimated into his family and “recognized” as family. When the Wife makes demands on him, all other categories will suffer because she will ALWAYS come first.
B. Girlfriend= you are in a committed relationship with some “Wife” benefits. This may include an engagement ring that he bought, with his money, and placed on your left index finger. You have met his Mama and family and were introduced as his “girlfriend” and not a “friend”. You are well acclimated into his family and are expected at family gatherings. You are invited to family events by women family members that don’t involve him such as baby showers, bridal showers, child birthday parties, lunch dates, or shopping at the mall. You are in family photos. You don’t have to call before you go to his place and in rare instances you may even have a key to his place. You and him spend holidays and weekends together, and you are known by the wives of his close buddies. The wives recognize you as a potential member of the covenant. This is as close to “Wife” status a woman can get.
** The only Category that presents a danger to Wife/Girlfriend is Boo. If your man has a Boo, you better put your boxing gloves on!**

The Side Bitch- you have been with him as long as his girlfriend or wife and in some cases, maybe even longer. You know business of his that his wife or girlfriend doesn’t know about and you get to bare all the Wife/Girlfriend responsibilities but without the benefits or “bells and whistles”. You just sit on the side line hoping He will realize how loyal you have been, how “hood” you’ve kept it, and how long you have been holding him down. You have a relationship with a few of his family members, mostly cousins, maybe a Sister (that’s if he met you through his Sister) but not the high ranking members like Mom, Dad, Grandma. He may have bought you a car (used), helped you with rent more than a few times, and he keeps a few dollars in your pocket (nothing that will break the bank, literally a few dollars). If he spends the night, he comes through at bed time and is gone by noon the next day. You have been through hell and back with him and blame him for all the good men you passed up because He won’t let you go. After years of being with him you know in your heart he is not going to upgrade you to Wife, but you insist on keeping the torch lit and hope alive. Big fist in the air to all the Side Bitches, Keep dreamin’.

Boo- you have not been with him that long but from the jump he has already showered you with expensive gifts, money, and weekend getaways. You are a fresh free spirit to him and represent the magic that happens in the beginning of all relationships. You make him feel young, smart, handsome and confident. He feels like he is Big Daddy (has nothing to do with age, ladies) with you. In bedroom you know what he likes and you give it to him blissfully. He has talked to you about leaving his wife on several occasions. He is jealous of other men in your life and the freedom you have. He wants you to be his exclusively but you won’t because you know he can not reciprocate. You have the more realistic perception of your relationship with him. You may have even met some of the high ranking family members and he is doing things with you that boldly put his marriage at risk. This can include spending the night at your house a few days a week, taking you to his house, vacationing with you, and taking you places he regularly takes his Wife/ Girlfriend. He is handing you his heart and it is up to you to accept it or keep him at arms distance. Accepting his heart can inject a dangerous component to your relationship with him, because if his marriage falls apart you are expected to take over Wife duties, but you still do not have any Legal entitlement to anything. You will slowly move into Side Bitch category which means a new “Boo” is coming.

Booty Call- you are around for sexual purpose only! And it’s not even regular sex. You are the faithful sex partner who will never say no. You only see him at your place during the designated time frames (between 2am and 4am) and he doesn’t even have to call first. Sex is purely physical with no emotion from him or concern for your satisfaction. You know you have him for as long as it takes him to cum, then he’s out. You never hear from him again until he needs to get off and can’t get sex from his Wife/girlfriend, Side Bitch, or Boo. You are the last resort. Good Booty Call women know and accept their position because in their minds, having a small physical piece of him is better than not having him at all. Desperate Booty Call women fool themselves into believing an actual Relationship is taking place!!!

Childhood Friend- your relationship with him is purely platonic. You are accepted as family by his Wife and are like a surrogate Aunt to their children. You may be married yourself or in a committed relationship, but you and him have always had a secret respectful attraction to each other since grade school. You nor he have never discussed it but intuitively recognize the attraction. Every blue moon you fantasize of being his Wife and the mother of his children, but would never ever do anything to jeopardize his relationship. You do not pose any threat to his relationship, however should you be caught in a weak moment and give way to your emotions; you could end up crossing the line and harboring lots of guilt behind it.

Ok Good People, there it is. There are few things in life that actually offer clarity to ones situation. This one is priceless and powerful. Use it as a tool, guide, or a way to tell your girlfriend she has mis-positioned herself. As always, I want to know what my folks think so…Holla at ya Gyrl.

Godspeed~ Latoya

In 1983 a perfume ad with a catchy jingle changed the face of America’s House Wives. The jingle went something like this;

“I can put the wash on the line, feed the kids, get dressed, pass out the kisses and get to work by five (minutes) to nine…cause I’m a woman, Enjolie.
I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, never, never let you forget you’re a man, cause I’m a woman…Enjolie”

The commercial shows a confident, energetic, successful blonde hair, blue eyed woman who can do it all. She can make the money, buy the groceries, take care of the kids, do the laundry, sex her man down and still make it to work five minutes early! Who is this Bitch? And where are the ad executives who gave the thumbs up to air this bullcrap? I would love to have first stab at slapping all of them in the face. Am I wrong to assume they were likely all men, or card carrying members of the feminist movement? Enjolie is described as the 8hour fragrance for the 24hour woman. What woman aspires to be a 24 hour woman? More importantly the ad is missing the presence of a man implying he’s only needed for sex.

Today some of you may wonder why it is when your man comes home from work, work is over and he gets to pop a beer and relax or watch the game but for you, second shift has just begun. While your man is reclining his Easy chair and exhaling, you get to be the 24 hour woman. By the time you finish cooking, cleaning, bathing the kids then putting them to bed (oh, did you check the homework too?), Big Daddy is under the covers with a big greasy smile on his face. Yeah, it’s time to remind him he is a man. To all the perceived “real women” who were convinced we would be doing a great thing by elevating our title from Woman to Super Woman, I feel your pain, because I’m a victim too. I bought into the whole “I can do it all” movement and guess what? I get to do it all! Sometimes we do get what we ask for and it’s ok to slap yourself when you know you fell for the Okie Doke. Happy Mothers Day to all my Ladies. Ya Gyrl is giving you permission to kick your feet up, pour a glass of wine and say, “to hell with it”!
Click this link to watch the commercial which defines us today.

I have spent two weeks talking about Sex, now its time to talk about the Relationship. I’m specifically talking to my black Sistas’. We are on point when putting others in check about their lives and relationships, but fail to look inward and admit our own shortcomings. Many of us can relate to having conversations with our girlfriends relationship after relationship honestly bewildered about how it came to an end. You have been privy to many good men, with good jobs, money in the bank, and an offer of stability to you on a silver platter. So what went wrong? Of course I do not know each person who reads this personally, but I can elaborate on a few commonalities among us black women that can ultimately lead us to being the destroyers of our own relationships.

1. Entitlement: the moment we give up the “Punani” we feel entitled to His space, wallet, generosity, and his heart. We start dictating all these rules that never applied before sex and making demands all in the name of the “Punani”.
2. All About Me: In the beginning we are cooking (or at least trying), stroking his ego, and being so accommodating to His needs mentally and sexually, demonstrating how good women are. Somewhere down the line it changes from being about him to exclusively you. Let me be the first to say I’m down with self love and acknowledging self worth, but everything in the relationship can not be entirely about what you want to eat, where you want to go, who you want to hang around, and why you don’t feel like having sex. He is so lost in you it makes him begin to wonder, where does he fit in your life? Now he’s doubting himself and reasoning he may never be able to make you happy, or perhaps it’s feeling too much like a job to try.
3. Pressuring him to Change: There is a huge difference between being his “cheerleader” and changing him. I say that because often times we think the two are synonymous. Example, when you met Him, he was a “jeans and t-shirt” guy, or an avid sports fan dedicating Sundays to the NFL, perhaps a blue collar worker. You were perfectly ok with that and allowed yourself to fall in love. Now, you complain because he watches football too much and won’t go to church on Sundays. He’s not wearing the button down dress shirts and slacks you purchased, or he won’t trade the Low Rider for a Lexus. That’s not fair and we have to stop expecting that because he says “I love you,” everything you want him to be will all of a sudden be divinely willed into his makeup. It’s a façade to Him and to you.

I could go on an on with the numbers, but the purpose is to look at ourselves before we start pointing fingers elsewhere. Honesty is the key, and it starts with knowing what you truly want in a man and how you want to be positioned in your man’s life. Marinate on that and tell me, am I being too harsh? Have you been the destroyer of your relationship/s? Holla at ya Gyrl!

Godspeed,

Latoya

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A close friend of mine was asked the question by her man, would she be willing to watch him have sex with another woman if that pleased him? (For the purpose of this editorial I will refer to her man as “J”). Her immediate response was, “Are you crazy?!”
“J” expressed, from his point of view, a woman will say she will do anything to please her man, but reality tells a different story.

My girlfriend and I both pondered the “what ifs”; What if you agreed to do that and he wanted to have sex with the “third party” more than me? What if that one time experiment turned into a full fledged affair? Would it be my fault for agreeing to it in the first place? As we continued our long list of “what ifs” it was clear that neither her nor I would ever come close to “doing anything to please a man.” Well, “J’s” defense is, if a woman is secured and strong in her relationship, she will know the two are fulfilling a fantasy only and nothing more. Bull Sh@! When a couple agrees to participate in a fantasy, it is usually something both will enjoy. No woman or man should be pressured into a sexual act they do not want to perform or have a guilt trip laid upon them for being insecure and justifiably so.

After her and I finished talking I seriously thought about my limitations and where I draw the line. I learned that I am insecure because the mere notion of me watching my man have sex with another woman brings an unpleasant expression to my face. Am I being to crass? How far have you gone to please your man? Holla at ya Gyrl!

Latoya